Chapter 1. Monty Python Strikes Back.

The day started as any other really. Had I known what a total fright was in store for me I would have stayed tucked up in bed with the nearest and dearest.

As days go in didn’t start of to well either.

Was that police car trying to pull me over? The blue light was flashing franticly in my rear view mirror. You know that sinking feeling, it is you there after. The car drew along side, the officer in the passenger seat mouthing and gesturing. Pull over pull over!!!!

“Is this your vehicle sir” “Yes Officer” I reply in that polite but irritated way that you do. “Are you the proprietor” “Yes Officer” “You haven’t got a card have you mate? “My kids have ruined my suite, the wife wants a new one from DFS but if you could fix it………………” “Oh by the way, your off side brake lights not working.”

I gave him a card, phew! He didn’t notice that I had forgotten to put my new tax disk in the window.

I was having a better day now; I had a few jobs under my belt. The next job was a spring repair in the centre of Bristol. I’d done lots of jobs in this particular street this call was a referral from a neighbour. So I new pretty much what to expect. “They like their animals” I was told. This was the understatement of the year.

A pet shop is the best way to describe the customer’s living room. All around the room there was shelf upon shelf upon shelf of every kind of creepy crawly, lizards, insects, spiders, snakes all in fish tanks or cages. There were mice, rats, Chinchillas you name it, and it was there. In the corner of the room was a parrot on its perch swearing like a sailor and throwing monkey nut shells everywhere.

Clearly a lot of effort went in to the décor in room. It was painted to look like a jungle in places, to complement some of the creatures I guess. One side of the room where the lizards were was painted to look like a desert. I don’t think the décor was to my taste; the best way to describe it would be “Changing Rooms meets Animal Hospital".

Under the stairs was the biggest display. The whole space was a large plate glass tank. Inside was a moss covered log, ferns and tropical plants. It was very impressive. “What do you have in there” I enquired “Oh nothing now, that where Monty lived. We lost him 2 weeks ago. The kids are gutted!!!”

Monty was a Burmese python and considered to be one of the family it’s lose had been very upsetting for everyone.

The sofa looked in worse condition than it really was, only because someone had tried to fix the few springs that had broken. They had done a bit of a bodge up using  wire coat hangers and bits of wood. The dip in the sofa where the springs had gone was filled with old newspaper and magazines. As I tipped up the sofa to get at it underneath I noticed a dull thud inside the sofa. “More magazines I expect,” remarked the customer.

I usually start replacing the springs by taking of the base cloth on the underside of a sofa or chair. I had removed the castor and a little bit of the corner of the base cloth, When, you guest it, out slithered Monty. Eight feet of white and orange Burmese python. When they said it was lost, they meant lost, not dead.

Apparently they were feeding it one of the many mice or rats they kept when the insurance man turned up. They were distracted for a few seconds and Monty was gone. Off to digest his meal no doubt .The family were convinced he had escaped out side never to be seen again.

All I can say is that my reaction to finding Monty was F#*!? ME